h3 econs reject.

ms law sms-ed me this afternnon to say that i wasn't selected for h3 econs because they were looking for students with a-c grade in econs and doing well in other subjects. haha.

i kind of expected it luh. i mean like, i'm a d-grader for econs, and with my sucky grades for the other subs, if im pitted against a straight a student, regardless the school, no matter now deep my passion is, smu will still offer the vacancy to that ohter sudent right. because if i'm deciding, i won't give a shit about that d-scorer in jjc.

but wells. no h3 means there're not excuses i can give to not work hard in my other subjects. besides, there's no more german next year. i foresee that i'll feel empty every tuesday and thursday. and maybe i'll die from deprivation of the mrt/moelc.

it's been half a decade.

outings. thank you deepavali hols.

friday was learning journey to peranakan museum cum class dinner at thai express. pictures will say all the words, therefore please visit my photoblog.

saturday i brought my brother to shiva's house, where we saw cows and goats and dogs. again, photoblog please.

yesterday, my family and i went to ecp. i'm sort of burnt now. i'll see what photos i can post, then you all can see them at my photoblog. if you were thinking of skin, sorry, i was decked in chingay shirt and home shorts.

today we were supposed to go visit the istana, but all of us were too tired so now we're all at home.

btw, photo blog's at http://snapsnapsnap.blogspot.com. have a nice deepavali.

school's later.

here are my heartfelt apologies for not blogging for a week.

facebook has swept me off my feet and i'm happily swimming in the fake virtual world enjoying all the fame i can get and thinking i'm super popular just because people keep adding me as their friend. truth is, some of them don't even know me. but well. fame's my best friend. at least in facebook.

oh and, good morning world.

whoops.

i'm sorry.

blabber blubber.

sore left fingers):

i've been dreading to go to school after promos. i really hope that lessons stop, at least for maybe a week, after promos, just to let us feel accomplished about finishing those papers. lecturers have been acting like nothing happened before, which is super irritating.

i'm glad to know that i'm a friend whom people think they can count on when they meet problems. even if it's a simple one like what's tested for o levels practical, or a super serious case like theft. and it greatly lifts my spirit that there are teachers actually really concerned about me.

shit. german a's coming soon.

leaders' camp is even sooner, and packing list's up to us to decide. bring food! sounds very much like cssp. i rmb vividly that caiqin/sharine brought SPARKLING JUICE. lol. i brought wang wang and gave ck the free stickers.

no real-life cpr please.

year-ends have never been as tough as this. some of us caught a peek and was hit by the undeniable truth, which we're supposed to face only three weeks later.

maybe it's better like that anyway, compared to leaving us hanging on nooses.

it's just, how to continue with life when we all know what the future brings for us.

mel informed me that i'm down for first aid duty for leaders' camp, i'm needed from fri 3.15pm to sat 7am. so while i'm attending the camp myself, i'm allowed to multi task and perform my duties altogether. haha. i thought of the wonderfulness of getting cip hours. not that it's what i'm after.

i'm quite looking forward to first aid duty. i just hope it won't cause me to lose out alot on leaders' camp. flying fox!!

post mortem

i only realised that my promo results were quite bad when i told them all to my mom today.

chem: S
econs: D
math: D
bio: B
gp: C

gahh. to do list during the hols: mug, and lose weight.

when you're bored...

Starting time: 10.07pm

Name: steph

What are you wearing right now?
shirt and shorts

Where do you live?
in my (parents') house.

Favorite Number/s
23

Favorite Drinks:
depends on mood, juice/milo/bandung/(peppermint)milk tea

Favorite Months:
january, september, december

***********Have You Ever***********
Been in a bath tub:
mmhmm

Swam in the ocean:
yep

Fallen asleep in school:
yes.

Broken someone's heart:
i think.

Fell off your chair:
probably.

Saved e-mails:
i never deleted my emails every since hotmail began having huge amounts of memory space.

***********What is************
Your room like:
something i don't want to grow old with.

What's right beside you?
air.

What is the last thing you ate?
cucumber

------------Ever Had-------------
Chicken pox:
no. i had the jab okay!

Sore throat:
yes and it's a common symptom of stds.

Stitches:
i think so. stitches are the funny feelings you have when you run too hard right.

Broken nose:
on myself, i think not. but i had a cut on my nose and had to put a plaster over it to school during pri sch days.

-----------Do You-----------
Believe in love at first sight?
yes

Like picnics?
depends on company

----------Who----------
Who was the last person you danced with?
ermmmmm. judith i think. one of the mass dances.

Who last made you smile?
my parents i think. i've learnt to smile alot, whether i mean it or not.

Who did you last yell at?
my younger cousin. who is less than two years old.

----------Final Questions-------------
Hate someone in your family?
no

Diamond or pearl?
diamond's carbon and pearl's oyster spit. pearl ba. oysters are nice to eat. carbon dioxide causes global warming.

Are you the Eldest?
like, in a church? no. OH WAIT THAT'S ELDER. i am the eldest child in
the family. the eldest real grandchild of my grandfather too.

-------Today did you-----------
1. Talk to people you like?
yes and in the process.

2. Kiss anyone?
almost, but no.

3. Get sick?
no.

5. Talked to an ex:
no, haven't in a long while and don't think will want to.

6. Miss someone:
mmhmm.

---------Last person who----------
You talked to on the phone?
my phone says weien but i don't remember talking to her on the phone yesterday.

Have a crush on someone?
i'm not heavy enough to crush people.

What books are you reading right now?
just finished 12 storey.

Best feeling in the world:
pure bliss.

Future kids names?
wait till i have kids.

Do you Sleep with stuffed animals?
no. they're always on the floor. if they're on my bad they'll land up on the floor in the middle of the night anyway.

What's under your bed?
drawers

Favorite locations:
heartware office
mr foo's office
311/411 classroom
nh canteen
in my bed

Danced a slow dance with someone you didn't even like?
slow dance? no.

Who do you really hate?
thou shall not bear hatred.

Ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with?
don't think so.

You lonely right now?
abit.

What time is it now?
10.22pm

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What is one fact about the last person who texted you?
his surname is not chen.

Can you use chopsticks?
yeah. learnt it from a mickey mouse magazine that's no longer in print.

Last time you were on the phone?
yeasterday.

Rooting for Obama?
no, only because he won't be my president.

How many email addresses do you have?
one, two, three.

Last time you washed your hair?
after dinner.

Who will you be sleeping with tonight?
my bolster.

Do you like Oreos?
depends.

Do you send out thank you cards?
no. i send chinese new year and christmas cards.

Can you ice skate?
no.

Do you have a brother?
yep.

Do you know how to change a diaper?
yeah. EH NOT JUST THOSE HUGGIES PULL UPS OKAY. give me a cloth diaper anytime. i'll change them, but you'll wash them.

Do you like to grocery shop?
neutral.

What kind of mood are you in?
i can't place that in words.

Do you do your own laundry?
essentially no,

Has someone close to you passed away this year?
this yearrrrrr. no.

Showers or baths?
showers on normal days, baths when indulgence steps in. and lots of bubble.

Do you take out the trash?
no. my dad saw a suspicious lady at the trash corner before. and it was at night. he forgot to notice if she was wearing shoes.

Do you watch "The Hills"?
what's that.

Last CD you played?
do vcds count? cars, just a few hours ago.

What did you do Saturday night?
that's tonight. i...breathed.

What are you thinking about right now?
the vast amount of stuff waiting for me tomorrow.

Wearing any bracelets?
no. ever since mr koh "sacked" that guy for "practising religion", by black bracelet has stayed in my bag.

Last thing someone bought for you?
my aunt got me a shirt from hong kong disneyland. she always gets me shirts from there.

What are you doing right now?
this.

Has a boy put their arm around you in the past five days?
five daysssss...yeah.

Last thing you drank?
ice blended coke because it was left in the freezer.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
sleeping.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
check phone.

Are you taller than your mom?
no.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name starts with an L?
no

Do you want to get married and have children one day?
married yes, children idk.

Any plans today?
yeah. had plans, but hopes crashed and now the only task i can fulfil is to sleep.

Whats your favorite number?
23

What did you eat last?
cucumber. why both quizzes have the same two questions.

How is the weather right now?
the normal night weather.

Have you ever cried for no reason?
yeah. sometimes tears fall and i find myself searching for reasons why.

How many pillows do you sleep with?
one under my head and one on the floor.

Is your bathroom clean?
i suppose. my mom is a good housewife.

How are you feeling today?
okay-ly happy.

Dog or cat person?
i'm kind to animals.

Have you ever gone to a beach?
yep.

What are you doing tomorrow?
homework. chem, math.

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?
if this was a multiple choice question it'll be easier.

Favorite place to shop?
shopping centre.

Do you have any bruises?
i don't fight.

How long does it take you to get ready?
for school, more than an hour.

What are you wearing?
shirt and shorts.

If you had to eliminate a single type of animal forever more, which would you?
the funny round black little bug that stinks when you crush it.

Ever open a bag of chips in the grocery store and eat them before paying?
no but seen people doing that.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
excited.

three in one, like coffee.

save me from myself.

i think nyaa means quite alot to me, which is why i've been really hoping to join next year's chingay as an exco member. that'll complete my whole journey in getting the award.

but now, the winds said that pa's having some problem with heartware, so we're left with only 100 volunteers needed and NO EXCO. so hwn has become a platform for pa to rope in people? ahhhhh!! i want to put in something put that'll be politically wrong so i'm saving it for pen and paper.

so, to chingay or not to chingay? there's no point going if i can't achieve my aim and when i'm not sure if i'm even going to like it.

on the other hand, the fll sounds quite appealing. i actually had two classmates who were interested too.

it'll be a whole new experience, a project nature of which i've never worked in.when i was in the robotics club in pri sch, i think the teacher didn't like me or smthn, she never put my name in for any competitions. so for even the much covetted njrc i was just a reserve and never really got to see how the thing was like. fll would answer all the doubts i've held since half a decade ago.

i think i'll have to settle for cssp exco for my community project. it's in june, which poses a big problem since i'll be j2 next year, but i really hope it'll work out. since i won't have german next year taking up my time.

yeah i'll be in j2 next year. i got my 2h2 and 2 h1 passes. but the situation i'm facing's quite depressing.

idk, i still think jj's rather student-unfriendly. we can't talk to authorities about what we think are unfair policies and the teachers seem quite...being held by the nose. like, they are very restricted in the actions they can take and apparently they can't voice it out too. it's quite sad actually.

i changed my ambition. i want to be the future nh principal and a minister of foreign affairs. agnes suggested that i could be a translator, maybe i can do all three at the same time(:

we're living on abbreviations.

rahh.

let's see. it's october the ninth, eleven days to german a's. and please, i can't write a compo properly.

which means additional homework. aufsatz schrieben.

post promos suck in jj, when we're carrying on with the syllabus, i.e. math and econs and chem. sucks pretty much to me, cuz obviously nobody's in really much mood to care about what's being projected onto the screen.

i'm thinking of taking h3 econs. idk, i want to give it a try. even though i got a d for promo and that's prolly going to make the professors at smu laugh like mad. yeah, imagine, a d-scorer from jj doing h3 econs with a-scorers from rj.

but i want to do a h3 sub luh. i thought chem would be possible. i wasn't on the eligible list, but i thought of speaking to mdm goh. then i got back my promo paper two and decided against even trying. cuz i failed that paper, 31/80. chem hasn't exactly been nice to be ever since i attempted chem o. and math h3? somebody suggested that to me. pam, i think. but math? steph and math don't match. i know i passed promo, but hell no i don't want to be competing with those math geniuses from bishan/bukit timah jcs. or all the other jcs for that matter.

i should start on my i&r soon. maybe tonight. actually that was my motive of coming online, but you know how it feels when you've been mia from the www for more than 24 hours.

hmm. wth?

if you think being a jj leader is easy, go carry on dreaming. if you think it's about filling in forms and going for interviews and sucking up in the meantime, go fly a kite. or more kites if you want to.

it's about commitment. you need not be good, for that can be developed. you need to understand that you can't just enter and leave when you want to. it's an imperfect market structure out there.

after the councillors, many j1s have been vying for a spot, to be named a jj leader. so what if they have the shirts that display the much coveted title of "TEAM JJ LEADER"? it's just an empty shell. wearing a shirt that says "leader" doesn't automatically make you one. it's what's in you. do you see lee kuan yew wearing shirts saying "Minister Mentor of Singapore"?

we've had many events which we thought after attending, we'll officially be leaders. let's start from the national day leaders' investiture. then the sudden giving out of leaders tie pins and taking them back. and most recently, the "leaders' camp".

apparently even all these were not able to secure the hearts of some students. even after they have been pronounced official leaders, that is belonging to firstly the house council, secondly the cca leaders, thirdly the csls, fourth the class reps and fifth the slos, some volunteered to eave the family of leaders during today's meeting.

it was a very simple line. "if you are not interested, please leave. those interested, move to the right." and how many people did we see leave the grandstand?

our camps facilitators were a part of us today. some of them stayed, some of them left. they weren't in the five (previously) official groups of leaders. yet the simple action of staying back by some of them goes to show that there are students out there who actually have the leader substance. so what if you've been invested a leader?

what appalled me most was that my house vice-captain actually told me she doesn't want to continue. then, may i ask, why did you even fill in the application form in the first place?

i didn't leave because i know i am capable of leading. and i think i deserve to be called a jj leader. i once fell into the category of jj leaders, and i do not want that to be taken away from me.

the thing with jjc is that we obviously are not able to produce top-end results. hence the next best alternative is to work on character development, which involves largely student leadership. so if a school that sucks in academics cannot produce students with the ability to lead, it might as well close down.

conviction. leading in jj is like getting into jail. you are sentenced to around a year in there, but you get the opportunity to make it what you want. if you're good, you're rewarded. if you suck, you'll suffer in your own hands.

yes i agree it's quite stupid to be deciding who exactly are the school leaders at this time of the year, when most of us are progressing into the second of our two years of junior college education. but would you rather they give leadership rights to people who can't lead and call it a job done, than spend the time to filter out those gems and finally hand them the student leaders pin?

i would like to be one of the gems. i would like to receive my tie pin with pride. because i know that to achieve that piece of metal, i have gone through tests which ensure that i am worthy of my name.

but i was just wondering. after they sent off the people who weren't interested, my vice-cap for example, who will take their place? are we going to reconstruct the committees we've had for the past few months so allow true leaders to replace those puppets?

unconquered.

Invictus
William Ernest Henley (1849–1903)

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

mr chua shared this during the leaders' camp, and i thought it would be good to remember this poem.

invictus is "unconquered" in latin.

from wikipedia:
At the age of 12 Henley became a victim of tuberculosis of the bone. In spite of this, in 1867 (when he was 18) he successfully passed the Oxford local examination as a senior student. His diseased foot had to be amputated directly below the knee; physicians announced the only way to save his life was to amputate the other. Henley persevered and survived with one foot intact. He was discharged in 1875 (when he was 26), and was able to lead an active life for nearly 30 years despite his disability. With an artificial foot, he lived until the age of 54. "Invictus" was written from a hospital bed and first published in 1875.

not voldemort.

grace ong called me at 2.51pm and screamed into my ears, "i die already la!!!"

by that, my instincts told me german oral won't be an easy feat tomorrow. frau heng and frau quynh. i never got the spelling wrong okay. if i'm right she's vietnamese.

female teachers don't usually give female students high marks. idk why, either they don't like them, or they expect a higher standard from the same gender.

there was much crapping after civics with shiva. i think the ability to conduct lame conversations shows how a person is a quick thinker. the ability to crack lame jokes but not laugh exhibits one's tolerance level.

i think my tolerance level has increased thanks to a few teachers, they who shall not be named.