the new black.

not because of who i am
but because of what you've done
not because of what i've done
but because of who you are

i am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapour in the wind

like a rose
trampled on the ground
you took the fall
and thought of me
above all

hold me close
let your love surround me
bring me near
draw me to your side

and as i wait
i'll rise up like the eagle
and i will soar with you
your spirit leads me on
by the power of your love

there is nothing like your love(:

soon.

soon as the mountains turn to rivers
soon as the sea turns into sand
soon as the sun comes out at midnight

that's how soon.

when things go wrong.

the rain can really spoil plans, so i deduced. postponed running to today cuz of yesterday's rain, and it's raining again now.

i should go study.

share.

i was procrastinating the past few days, didn't want to post this entry. and just yesterday, i almost convinced myself that 411's fine enough, so i don't have to post my thoughts. incidents today proved me wrong.

mdm yong: "411's okay lah, just for that few girls."
me: "but we only have a few girls!!"

i had no idea that being chairman means having to cover you people for all the ridiculous things you do, like feigning sick and leaving school to go shopping. some don't even bother to go thru the first stage, just grabbing their bags and happily bouncing out of the school gate.
i went along with your stories in the beginning, then i realised things are getting out of hand. i can have up to 8 absentees a day, a few coming in late and a few leaving halfway thru. school's not about coming only for the lessons you are interested in, you know. like what, coming in late on wednesdays and thursdays to skip chemistry, leaving early on thursdays to skip triple english. or even better, just coming for one hour then happily leave school.

you think it felt good when i had to state down four missing people on the class list when mdm yong trudged into class all angry today?
sorry, no. it made me feel like i'm a total failure, i can't even keep you girls in class.

missing person number one, two and three went out together. yes, skipped school to go out. and when she realised that i told the teachers i saw them leave the hall, she asked me to tell the teacher i made a mistake, i didn't actually see them. wth?
missing person number four had another girl say that she's not feeling well and thus went home. i used to believe that, and believe that my class is full of girls with almost-terminal diseases, but i've come to realise, the disease's called deceiving. they deceive teachers and deceive themselves.

and well. missing people one two three was out shopping in their uniform during school hours, was spotted by somebody who reported to the school. which means, they're in deep shit now.

fyi, the incidents are truancy, and it can be recorded in the cockpit system, which, if you don't already know, willl follow you for life. so your future bosses will know you played truant in secondary school and most probably wont hire you in case you play truant while working as well. so, girls, you have ruined your life. and if guys do this, they'll most probably receive caning.

there was this other class person who commented that our class's very united. i havent really seen that day, but i really hope to.

i don't believe in 爱的教育. i don't believe that being all nice to you can make you good. mrs tan was good to us, mdm yong was good to us, mrs chia was good to us, and we took them all for granted, didn't we?
mrs chia's the best example. if you really can't tell, she was ultimately disappointed in us. i know, i've slept thru some of her timed practices, thus not finishing them.i won't defend myself, i know it's wrong.
yes, we had pretty interesting relief teachers who had the ability to snatch away our time from doing the compo. and yes, it wasn't an easy topic to write about. but couldnt we give it a shot? even if we can't finish it, i believe, by the end of three periods, or one and a half hours, we should have something decent on our papers.

it'll be damn cliche to say "it's your last year, leave nan hua in glory." so i won't say that. rather, it's: "if you think you want to carry on like that, and spend your time in nan hua dealing with disciplinary actions, so be it. you are fully in charge of yourselves, if you can do something, make sure you come up with a valid explanation for yourselves. i'm a chairman, not a storymaker."

i think it's time for us to wake up. this cannot be continued. it's true that the school's looking down on us. like, once the news was received that nh girls were seen at the shopping centre, mrs lim automatically told mdm yong to go check on our class. this is their image of us. rule defy-ers. they see us as a thorn in the flesh, and are we going to carry on or do even more, and let them look down on us more? i'm sorry if you say you dont care, then i won't care for you too. go defy your rules for all you want. don't come crying to me asking me to cover you up when you realise you're at a dead end, because you got youreslf into it. how would i know how to get you out?

missing person one told me a few days back aboutt he plan today. i tried to persuade her out of it, but she said she already promised person two that she'll go out with them. "during lesson?!?!" was my reply.

like, hey. we're 15 going on 16, some of us are already 16. this is the age for schooling. though social studies says sg's education's only compulsory for the forst 6 years, meaning primary school, it doesn't mean that you can attend your secondary school to your preference.

i know i'll always have one person absent on thurday, since she thinks the lessons are of no meaning. you think you're attending selective lectures ? got what topic you like on which day then you go attend is it? sorry to disappoint you, no. you're in school. once you come in the morning, you're not allowed to leave without a signed early dismissal form before the end of the day. if not, it's truancy. and if you think the school has too many matters to deal with to care about you, then you're wrong.
and don't think not coming to school will solve all problems. your absentism's reflected in the cockpit as well. if it isn't your last year, an attendance of less that 75% means you don't get promoted. if you relish seeing nice big numbers for the absent and late columns in our progress reports, you can continue with your rituals.

and i don't understand. missing person one lectured another girl about her always not coming or leaving as and when she likes, and it's her turn to do it now. and she's a Christian. don't you feel like you're betraying God with your actions? why do you have to wait till service to seek for forgiveness and act all holy? why can't you carry the Lord's words with you always and do things right? i'm not preaching. i'm not a Christian. but i do hope you really think about it.

reflect on the times we had in three eleven and four eleven. how much of it's time well-spent? how much of it isn't spent on dealing with teachers about our discipline matters? i may be stereotyping over here, not all 27 girls do that. but a few here and there's enough to ruin the image of our class. and being a chariman of a class whose image is ruined is not easy. i've been trying to build it up, but with every step i take forward, you all pull me back two steps, or even more.

why is it so hard to get things done? we were finished with our discussion about the noticeboard the very first week of school this year. mid-years are already round the corner, and i still have empty boards. and despite numerous reminders, the ics don't seem to give a damn. what's with you all?

the year started with a chariman, vice-chairman, two care reps, one treasurer, two cleanliness reps, two av reps, two sports captains, two cleanliness reps, three environment reps, one cip rep and seven subject reps. now, the two av reps refuse to take up their jobs and stroke their names off the class comm list, one cleanliness rep's doing all the work, sports captains don't respond to meeting announcements, and the vice-chairman refuses to even carry out a simple survey regarding international friendship day with the class. "but they also won't listen to me what." was her excuse. cleanliness rep claims she's under huge stress and suggests quitting. so what am i supposed to do? tell you all i'm damn stressed and getting depression and almost going crazy and tell you i don't want to be chairman anymore?

i'm not asking for pity. it's all about being responsible. having your name in the class committee list isnt just about paper and ink. it's about fufilling your responsibilities. while i do my part as the chairman (the school only assigned me three things to do, ask me if you want to know), i expect the rest of the committee to to their part too, whether it's the next position of vice-chairman or the position of a subject rep. you know yourselves best. if you know you can't do it, please go find somebody else who can do it and who agrees to take over it from you before informing the teacher in charge that you want to quit your position. striking off your name with a thick black marker isn't the right way. and that doesnt solve the problem, because the soft copy, the one that really counts, is with mrs tan. and i believe everybody can rise up to their positions. should you think i'm not capable to being a chairman, please let me know. i'll gladly pass my badge to you and we'll go look for mrs tan together to have my name changed to yours on the class comm list.

words.

"你们十个人，像逆风飞翔的风筝，不管风多大，都要勇敢地往前飞。老师希望你们排成一条线，以便减少阻力，同时要随时调整自己，和大家保持相同的速度和方向。谁也不能掉队，这样大家才能越飞越高，越飞越快。

你是要当那只领头的风筝，承担更大的风险，还是那只躲在后面拖慢大家速度的风筝呢？

有一天我会松开手里的线，但老师会永远站在放飞你们的始点，注视你们祝福你们。"

sometimes words can carry so much in them. this is one of the times. (:

syf'07

syf today!! hid in the studio since after morning assembly. gel hair change costume do make up... i'm glad things look more organised today. foundation done by myself, songfen by i forgot who, nose by shana and jeslyn, blusher and eyeshadow by cheri, lipstick by i forgot who again. and mrs wong did eyebrow for half the people, while liang laoshi and ms khoo did the rest. so my eye ended up like that:i was commenting the three significant lines looked very adidas. haha. and don't the red and white lines at the eyes look like the nh thingy on nhps socks? heh.

performance time: we had a nice time defying the ucc authorites. keep asking us to sit at the holding area, as if we're dogs. he went: "sit! i asked you to sit!!" lol. kept passing messages down from the time we were at the holding area to the corridor. and tanglin was super nice, they came back sidestage and said "nan hua jiayou!" before frantically rushing out again.
our item was #19, after chongboon. we did fine ba. no major mistakes for me.
tears were shed after our dance, i don't know if it's happiness or sadness or regret. it was like, a whole bunch of people crying around me. i'm not unfeeling okay, tears did well up but i realised i don't know what i'm crying for so they didn't come out. lol.
returned to school and had maths lessons on vectors.

photos taken some day last week, during a rainy day at nan hua. honglin and i were taking photos like nobody's business, and it was damn funny. ask gen.

few days back, sony ericsson sent to my house, and definitely many more other houses, an advertisement, a very environmentally-unfriendly one. it was a flimsy replica of a cd box, which cannot be reused because it is actually not a cd box at all, just a moulded piece of plastic. photos below, zoom in to view details.

once again.

it seems so long since i had a problem with dance exco. just when everything's at its peak, something has to happen.

maybe because i'm brought up in a clerical family (mum's clerk, dad's clerk) that i like my things organised. i hate disorganisation, and really can't stand it when people turn a blind eye to it. go on, criticise all you want.

apparently the meeting after dance today was a last minute decision. either that, or you people were just too lazy to even go plan out the issues you want to speak to us about.
first. "what make-up do you want to be in-charge of?" suppose everybody chooses eye shadow, cuz it's the most fun part of the whole thing, then who will do the rest? why don't you take some time off what i think's your very very super duper hectic and packed schedule and plan a few people for each segment? what happened to our tradition of having stations set up for hair, lotion, foundation, song1 fen3, eye shadow, blusher, lipstick and nose? the last time we made-up in the studio, it was one big lumpy mess. the supposedly-eye shoadow queue had queuers who havent even done their foundation. there wasn't even a clear station for makeup, just a bunch of girls sitting near the mak-up box who expect you to know what they're doing and who you're supposed to go to without even briefing you first. and people can freely take the limited supplies to the toilet to make themselves up, totally unaware of the shortage in the studio. if we can't do a simple thing such as organising ourselves during make-up, how are we going to present ourselves as a gwh dance society on monday?
second. "err...still got what arh?" you expect the audience, the people whom you're supposed to give information to, to answer that stupid question of yours? if you know your memory's not top notch, for heaven's sake make a note of what you want to mention. we did that last year, before the exco was formed. and now the exco's not doing it. what's happening?
third. how can the speaker walk away with somebody else halfway through the meeting and leave the audience there, stunned and looking super idiotic? please inform us of what you're going to do. if we can be dismissed, say so. don't just leave us there like rubbish.
fourth. i see. so exco can do ridiculous things we normal members don't have the right to? our head of discipline can relaxingly lie on the floor during meeting while a member was scolded by the chairman for doing the same. and when i pointed out, "but he's doing the same also what.", what did i receive from the chairman? a smiley "aiyah, he's doing his actions mah." what's that? and while our head of welfare can openly attitude our teacher-in-charge before the whole society, normal members are reprimanded for showing attitude. "what's it this time, your dog ate your consent form? " just received a reply of "no, my cat." wth? if even our exco members can't show proper respect, what can the school expect from the rest of the society except for a bunch of hooligans?

some of you, if not all, must have been damn pissed bout me today. but i really couldn't stand the way things were done. i'm just being me, liking everything organised and in order. if you can stand having them all over the place when the big day's on monday, go ahead and make a fool of yourself. i'll be happy to be excluded from the mess.

nevertheless, dancers, work hard for the competition. take good care of yourselves, don't attempt anything that may snatch away your chance of performing. that won't be nice, for you, for your team's dancers, and for laoshi. all the best!

overload

yes i know. i should be doing my chinese lit 魏晋南北朝 or electrolysis. or even better, study for the geog test tomorrow. or just pack my bag and sleep early.

but i've chosen to blog, so you guys better appreciate my post(:

left school on thurs after assembly amidst many queer looks from people, but there was no security guard to bar me from stepping out of school. haha. went for herr spindler's german class, eugene's class, which ended at 4.30. went back to clementi and took bud to ucc, where dance rehearsal was till 10 pm. vegetarian dinner with weicong, same beehoon as the rest but piled up with vege. loves.
little accidents here and there, hope alyssa's toe'll recover in time for syf, which is, GOSH, next monday. damn damn damn. why is it that in sec 2, i was thinking: "the competition should come earlier. we're all set. " and now, it's "man. we're still far from good. why's the competition so soon?!?!" gahh.

must
work
hard

and that includes study too. but wells.

flag day for muhammadiyah welfare home on sat, enriching experience. met many people, many different personalities. you should go find a day and spend a few hours with that tin.
no, i'm not being sacarstic. initially, i thought that it would be dumb to stand at one place carrying that tin can and waiting for people to drop their small change inside. what really happened surprised me. my actions, their reactions. it's hard to use words to describe, but there's really a "sense of satisfaction", as alot of volunteers go. cheesy, but true.


"Don't tell God how big the storm is in your life, tell the storm how big God is in your life."

(:

pretty

i've come to a conclusion:
411's a pretty class wth lots of pretty girls and pretty attitude problems.

maybe i should never have chaired the class
maybe i should never have thought of making the class better
maybe i should never have tried getting everyone together
maybe i should never have put in so much
maybe i should never have sacrificed my other appointments for the class

or even better, like what mr nick tan told me
maybe i'm just in the wrong class.

maybe i should just leave 411 to rot.
maybe it was a mistake right from the very very beginning.

all the maybes, and nobody to give me a definite answer.

back.

now, before i head back to my weekend homework which i have only started on this afternoon, here's something for all of you.

they differentiated the resort first, where dy/dx=nx^n-1. then, ever so fickle-minded, they wanted it the opposite, integrated. so now, they're in the midst of making y=ax^n+1/n+1 +c. when it's done, in a couple of years' time, the IR, affectionally coined, will have money rolling into our little red dot.

i'm sorry. but when you're told integration's the opposite of differentiation, the first thing that comes to your mind, as a very loyal singaporean who makes the effort to sing the national anthem during every flag raising ceremony, is the two IRs the government has started constuction on, and even at the expense of our one and only musical fountain, no?
yes yes, whatever, i know they've set up the danceing waters thingy at the seaside, but it'll never be the same yar? you don't have that funny creature speaking in a funny accent presenting you mystic sentosa right before the 30 metre/storey high merlion anymore. and that, is sad. depressing, shoving me down a pitch black tunnel leading to an even deeper and darker abyss void of all light.

back to work. i'm either doing english or maths, which explains the content above. (: